#reverb10: day 5

Sunday, December 5, 2010

December 5 – Let Go.  What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?
(Author: Alice Bradley)

I'm not sure this qualifies for what I let go as much as what I'm working on letting go. WARNING - for those of you who are dog lovers, this may be a pretty sad post and you may not want to continue.

Our dog, Supra, has been with us for 9 years now.  We adopted her when she was just a few months old.  At first she was a very tiny little thing - our cat at the time weighed more than she did and would wrestle her.

She grew quickly - she is a husky/german shephard mix after all.  She got to be about 55 pounds and turned into a gorgeous dog.  She kept wrestling the cat, but she would always let him pin her even though she had a good 40+ pounds on him.  She is so well behaved and smart.  Yes, she would get a little over excited when people would come to visit, but she was always happy and sweet.  We took her on hikes off leash all the time, and she could always be trusted.  Except for that one time at the other house she walked to the park by herself but that's another story.

Supra was our first child, there is no doubt.  She is an extension of our family.  When Logan was born, she didn't miss a beat, even though she didn't get as much attention as she used to.  She was so sweet with him from the beginning, it amazed me.  And boy, did she come in handy when we transitioned to finger food. :)

Right before Christmas last year we noticed a lump in the roof of her mouth.  I thought she'd cut herself and had an infection because her breath smelled so bad.  But it was not good.  Right after Christmas she was diagnosed with cancer in the cartilage of the roof of her mouth. The only option in terms of treatment was to remove her jaw.  There is no way we could let her live like that, so we chose to wait and see, with a prescription for pain medication.

She's been getting progressively worse.  The side of her mouth is swollen severely, and she bleeds so often from the mouth that we have to keep her outside all the time.  We've had to switch her to canned food since that is all she can eat.  And she isn't eating a lot of that.  She just lays on her bed most of the day.

Luckily it has been pretty warm this fall and winter so she naps in the sun.  If it is cold at night we bring her in and let her sleep in the garage.  It is no life for a dog.  I know this, and it kills me a little every day to see her like this.  She isn't our Supra anymore - she is a shell of the dog she used to be.  She is crazy skinny and has a sad look in her eyes.  Why don't we put her out of her misery?  That's the letting go part.  How do you decide to put your pet down?  How do you decide that today is her last day and say goodbye?  How do you thank her properly for all her love and companionship and assure her that you love her?  I haven't had the strength to make the appointment.  I keep looking to Trung to do it, hoping he'll make the decision and then I'm forced into it.  Every time we talk about it, it becomes a "this weekend we'll make an appointment" discussion, but then the weekend comes and goes.  
I feel like we are being cheated.  She is the dog that I wanted my son to grow up with.  She is the dog that I wanted him to play with and hug and curl up with.  She is a perfect family dog and we are being cheated out of what I thought was a good five more years we'd have with her.  But in the end I know we are cheating her.  Keeping her alive to make ourselves feel better.  But it sure isn't making me feel "better". She is still eating although not as much as I'd like. She is still alert and happy to see us. So when do you decide to let go?

Love you, pupster.  My Supra Dupra.

Note to my loved ones - I know you want to comfort me about this.  I'm sure you'll want to say something.  Thank you so much for that, but I'd appreciate it if you would let me deal with this on my own.  I've gone through half a box of tissue writing this short little post about her (she deserves so much more!). 
Proudly designed by Mlekoshi playground